Many of you who know me know that the desire I have is to have a big family. However, the Lord must have other plans for us. I finally was able to stop obsessing over having another baby and focus on my family now. About a month ago I received a phone call. Someone we know is pregnant. She is not able to care for children and her sister wanted to know if we would like to adopt. I spent the next few weeks trying so hard not to get my hopes up.. After speaking with Angie (the mom to be’s sister) I started to really get excited. Well, we found out that there was apparently a mix up with the blood sample. She is not pregnant. This really devastated me and I was upset that I allowed myself to hope again.

Last night I went to my Pastor’s home. I was able to hold their 1 month old baby boy.. I was totally enjoying the scent and feel of that baby. I loved talking to him and watching him watch me. He looked at anything interesting on the wall.. he just studied them. I did not want to put that baby down no matter what.. One of the men there came up to me and said.. you are a natural. When is the next one coming? I smiled but inside it hurt. I wanted to say.. when the Lord decides I am worthy. I also caught my husband watching me and smiling. Tears came to my eyes.. I tried to hide it.. tried hard not to let the emotions flow.. After holding him for quite some time.. he fell asleep in my arms.. I watched his little eyes closing. I felt the trust he had that whoever was holding him would take care of him.. as he drifted off to sleep. I held him like that until we were ready to leave. Then I moved him to his seat gently and said a silent goodbye.

I don’t know what the Lord’s plan is..but I pray that if children in my future are not His will for me, that He will take away these desires from my heart.

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